Her words open fresh wounds

She touches my heart and my soul bleeds again

Why are the broken so able to move my spirit

How can those who are without bless me with what is

She invades my being once again without my permission

I love her and don't why

So, life has improved. I never thought I would utter those words but it's true. I have come to the realization that Jesus Christ hasn't come to earth to solve all my problems. He has come to bring me into a state of completion. Of course I haven't arrived but I am far more closer than when I began this journey. I feel like I have been emptied of a lot of myself and the spirit of God has taken up much more residence in my life. I have learned there is no real blueprint for this journey. God has taught me that my life is going to be exactly what I choose it to be. I am not saying God is not sovereign; but I am saying that I have lot more responsibility than I thought I did for how my life turns out. The blessing and the burden of choice.

I Haven't Forgot

I remember who I am now before God. I am really nothing and I control very little that occurs in my life. I am not saying I don't have choice but there is a providence that permeates my life that I don't fully comprehend. I am glad to a certain degree, it actually relieves a lot of the pressure that has been stored in my psyche. This 200 pound weight in my mind that tells me I have to do this and do that. It is a freedom to know Christ. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I am free that is. Free from worry and doubt and senseless musings about a future that I really can't control in the first place. I wish I had the faith of those around me sometimes but I don't. This walk with Jesus has been messy but well worth it. The alternative is not something I even want to think about it.

Careful what you wish for

Here I am. Before a woman that loves me so much. Or maybe she just thinks she loves me. She showers me with love and compliments and all I can think is that she is fake or desperate. Everything I ever wanted stands before me and yet I am not able to enjoy her. Maybe its my mind. I can't tell anymore. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with someone I don't generally care for, if that's even the case. As for God, he is giving me peace through this emotional cyclone that's twisting in me. This is the biggest test of my faith. Not sure why I even bothered writing about this. I want this to be more real than my flesh and blood. Please God, make what is not become what must be inside of me. I don't want to be the source of anothers pain.

The Self

I feel torn today. I look at my life and wonder today if I will ever grow up into a man who can truly say "I am free". Why is it so hard for those of us who have met the master of the universe to shed our addictions. Why do I hold on to what poisons my soul. I recently read that casual sex is driven by a desire to be fully known by someone. That really resonated with me. I find myself wanting to be understood by someone at such a deep level that I often become frustrated when I can't find that individual. It's really a futile search if I think about it. I don't even understand myself, how can I expect someone else to. The truth is I have met many women; some I could have probably been happy with . Unfortunately, I was not ready to let them in because my heart has been cut so many times it barley beats. My innocence was stolen from me when I was young and it has left me with scars. Over the years these scars have turned into vices. My addiciton is fueled by the pain of the past and I long to be free. My heart cries out to a living God and begs for him to remove what has crippled me for so many years. I just want to be a better man, raise a family, love my wife, that's my dream, not my idol, my dream. That's it God, no prayers tonight, just a simple cry for help, free me once and for all.

Breakthrough

"Let us come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in the time of need" (Hebrews 4:16). These words have become my anthem for the past week. God is moving me out of the darkness and back into his beautiful light. I can feel his love surrounding me and those that I hold dear. The problem with light though is that it often exposes what was once hidden. Some people in my life are going to be let go of. I can only help so much. I am not Christ, I am simply a man. However, God is bringing new people into my life. Individuals who have my best interests in mind. I never thought this day would come. The light of heaven is bathing my soul and it astounds me. Thank you Lord, fill me with more of you.

Pure Love

Today began horribly. I was flooded with thoughts that cut into my mind like daggers. These thoughts left me with feelings of despair and sadness. I did what I usually do when this happens; I read the scriptures, pray, and call some friends. None of this really helped. What did help was beyond my comprehension. I went to an evening service at church. I met a little girl there and we played together for a while. Through this child I felt God loving me. It was a pure and unadulterated love. It was the closest thing I can relate to the love of Jesus. Children usually have a greater capacity to love because there hearts are not yet stained by the world. This is why Christ admonishes us to be like little children in order for us to enter the kingdom of God. Although this experience helped I was still rather melancholic. So I decided to go for a walk by the lake shore. As I walked I came across another girl and her mother. This little girl seemed to be fascinated by me and decided to chase after me. When I heard the little footsteps behind me I turned around and waved. As I did so the little girl waved back and smiled. Again, I felt Jesus loving me through this little girl. This second demonstration of God's love changed my mood completely. You who read this may make think me mad but I assure you I am not. I have come to recognize the love of Christ, and I know in whom it exists and in whom it doesn't. Unfortunately, those who genuinely exhibit the love of Christ are few and far between in my life. In fact, when I attempted to take my life five years ago I did so for exactly that reason, I felt completely unloved by everyone. Now, I know that is not true. I have a few people in my life that I know genuinely love me. They are not many, but they don't have to be, as long as they are genuine. Some people love me for my gifts, the way I speak, the way I look, who I know, etc.., but Christ loves me for who I am. Similar to those children today, Christ accepts me for who I am. I get so sick of the games and the masks, especially in church. Why is it so hard for us to love one another ? No answers today. Just questions. Musings. Thank you for your love God, it is rare that I emotionally experience it but today was an exception. Thank you.