I feel torn today. I look at my life and wonder today if I will ever grow up into a man who can truly say "I am free". Why is it so hard for those of us who have met the master of the universe to shed our addictions. Why do I hold on to what poisons my soul. I recently read that casual sex is driven by a desire to be fully known by someone. That really resonated with me. I find myself wanting to be understood by someone at such a deep level that I often become frustrated when I can't find that individual. It's really a futile search if I think about it. I don't even understand myself, how can I expect someone else to. The truth is I have met many women; some I could have probably been happy with . Unfortunately, I was not ready to let them in because my heart has been cut so many times it barley beats. My innocence was stolen from me when I was young and it has left me with scars. Over the years these scars have turned into vices. My addiciton is fueled by the pain of the past and I long to be free. My heart cries out to a living God and begs for him to remove what has crippled me for so many years. I just want to be a better man, raise a family, love my wife, that's my dream, not my idol, my dream. That's it God, no prayers tonight, just a simple cry for help, free me once and for all.
