Her words open fresh wounds

She touches my heart and my soul bleeds again

Why are the broken so able to move my spirit

How can those who are without bless me with what is

She invades my being once again without my permission

I love her and don't why

So, life has improved. I never thought I would utter those words but it's true. I have come to the realization that Jesus Christ hasn't come to earth to solve all my problems. He has come to bring me into a state of completion. Of course I haven't arrived but I am far more closer than when I began this journey. I feel like I have been emptied of a lot of myself and the spirit of God has taken up much more residence in my life. I have learned there is no real blueprint for this journey. God has taught me that my life is going to be exactly what I choose it to be. I am not saying God is not sovereign; but I am saying that I have lot more responsibility than I thought I did for how my life turns out. The blessing and the burden of choice.

I Haven't Forgot

I remember who I am now before God. I am really nothing and I control very little that occurs in my life. I am not saying I don't have choice but there is a providence that permeates my life that I don't fully comprehend. I am glad to a certain degree, it actually relieves a lot of the pressure that has been stored in my psyche. This 200 pound weight in my mind that tells me I have to do this and do that. It is a freedom to know Christ. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I am free that is. Free from worry and doubt and senseless musings about a future that I really can't control in the first place. I wish I had the faith of those around me sometimes but I don't. This walk with Jesus has been messy but well worth it. The alternative is not something I even want to think about it.

Careful what you wish for

Here I am. Before a woman that loves me so much. Or maybe she just thinks she loves me. She showers me with love and compliments and all I can think is that she is fake or desperate. Everything I ever wanted stands before me and yet I am not able to enjoy her. Maybe its my mind. I can't tell anymore. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with someone I don't generally care for, if that's even the case. As for God, he is giving me peace through this emotional cyclone that's twisting in me. This is the biggest test of my faith. Not sure why I even bothered writing about this. I want this to be more real than my flesh and blood. Please God, make what is not become what must be inside of me. I don't want to be the source of anothers pain.