The Self

I feel torn today. I look at my life and wonder today if I will ever grow up into a man who can truly say "I am free". Why is it so hard for those of us who have met the master of the universe to shed our addictions. Why do I hold on to what poisons my soul. I recently read that casual sex is driven by a desire to be fully known by someone. That really resonated with me. I find myself wanting to be understood by someone at such a deep level that I often become frustrated when I can't find that individual. It's really a futile search if I think about it. I don't even understand myself, how can I expect someone else to. The truth is I have met many women; some I could have probably been happy with . Unfortunately, I was not ready to let them in because my heart has been cut so many times it barley beats. My innocence was stolen from me when I was young and it has left me with scars. Over the years these scars have turned into vices. My addiciton is fueled by the pain of the past and I long to be free. My heart cries out to a living God and begs for him to remove what has crippled me for so many years. I just want to be a better man, raise a family, love my wife, that's my dream, not my idol, my dream. That's it God, no prayers tonight, just a simple cry for help, free me once and for all.

Breakthrough

"Let us come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in the time of need" (Hebrews 4:16). These words have become my anthem for the past week. God is moving me out of the darkness and back into his beautiful light. I can feel his love surrounding me and those that I hold dear. The problem with light though is that it often exposes what was once hidden. Some people in my life are going to be let go of. I can only help so much. I am not Christ, I am simply a man. However, God is bringing new people into my life. Individuals who have my best interests in mind. I never thought this day would come. The light of heaven is bathing my soul and it astounds me. Thank you Lord, fill me with more of you.

Pure Love

Today began horribly. I was flooded with thoughts that cut into my mind like daggers. These thoughts left me with feelings of despair and sadness. I did what I usually do when this happens; I read the scriptures, pray, and call some friends. None of this really helped. What did help was beyond my comprehension. I went to an evening service at church. I met a little girl there and we played together for a while. Through this child I felt God loving me. It was a pure and unadulterated love. It was the closest thing I can relate to the love of Jesus. Children usually have a greater capacity to love because there hearts are not yet stained by the world. This is why Christ admonishes us to be like little children in order for us to enter the kingdom of God. Although this experience helped I was still rather melancholic. So I decided to go for a walk by the lake shore. As I walked I came across another girl and her mother. This little girl seemed to be fascinated by me and decided to chase after me. When I heard the little footsteps behind me I turned around and waved. As I did so the little girl waved back and smiled. Again, I felt Jesus loving me through this little girl. This second demonstration of God's love changed my mood completely. You who read this may make think me mad but I assure you I am not. I have come to recognize the love of Christ, and I know in whom it exists and in whom it doesn't. Unfortunately, those who genuinely exhibit the love of Christ are few and far between in my life. In fact, when I attempted to take my life five years ago I did so for exactly that reason, I felt completely unloved by everyone. Now, I know that is not true. I have a few people in my life that I know genuinely love me. They are not many, but they don't have to be, as long as they are genuine. Some people love me for my gifts, the way I speak, the way I look, who I know, etc.., but Christ loves me for who I am. Similar to those children today, Christ accepts me for who I am. I get so sick of the games and the masks, especially in church. Why is it so hard for us to love one another ? No answers today. Just questions. Musings. Thank you for your love God, it is rare that I emotionally experience it but today was an exception. Thank you.

Emotions

Lately, I have been struggling emotionally. In fact, I have been struggling with my emotions for as long as I can remember. A lot of it has to do with not wanting to accept who I am as an individual. I often want to experience life without any emotional upheaval at all. The main reason being that I am often a slave to how I feel at times and I hate it. I am far to sensitive and yet God will never change this aspect of my personality. What he does ask me to do is to give it over to him. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah. (Psalm 62:8). It is the release that God requires. Or should I say suggests. He knows that through my sharing with him these feelings things can only improve. That doesn't mean I will necessarily feel better but it is a process of liberation that will help me in the long run. Ultimately, spending time with Jesus Christ is the ultimate form of therapy. My mood actually stabilizes when I spend time with him, his people, and his word. It is a simple truth but it is real, he is my shelter from the storm of my emotions (Psalm 17:8). Without an intimate relationship with him I often look to people or things to ease the pain of my troubled heart. It doesn't work. Christ alone is that balm for my soul. In him alone resides the healing for the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61). It is only the maker of heaven and earth that can fix us. Thank God !

Obsession

This Sunday was a difficult one for me. I was made acutely aware of my obsession. God has a way of making things abundantly clear if we are willing to listen. I was listening this Sunday. I often feel like the man in the image above, chained and controlled by something outside of me. I really don't want to be like this. My desire to have a partner is a natural one but it has almost transcended my relationship with Jesus Christ, and I hate it. I never used to be like this. But somewhere along the way I have become sidetracked. I have lost my focus to a point. Nevertheless, I keep pushing. I keep believing that somehow, someway, something will change. After all, God does not point something out and then leave it to us to solve it by ourselves. I think I am in the process of dying, and it is through this dying I will come to know my Lord at a more intimate level. Yet, what he asks from me seems more than I can give. How can I surrender the possibility of having a woman in my life who will love me. Maybe God asks this from me because it is so dear to my heart. That's what he did with Abraham right ? He asked for what was most precious to him, Isaac. I am not sure, but I know that if I really want to live than I have to die (John. 11:25). It is such a strange battle in heart and mind at times. The war in my soul between having control and relinquishing that control unto God. The temptation to take matters into my own hands or surrender to the Lord's leading. One thing I know for sure, I don't want to be controlled by anything other than Jesus Christ.

The Black Dog

The "Black Dog", that's how Winston Churchill chose to describe his bouts of depression. Unless one experiences depression it is really difficult to have an understanding of what it truly entails. Some men that I can really relate to in the bible who struggled with this disease are Moses, Elijah, and Jonah. All of these men at one point or another in their life asked God to remove them from this world. Fortunately, God refused. More often than not the purposes of GOD often transcend our infirmities and circumstances. To be crucified with Christ has implications far beyond what we can truly imagine (Galatians 2:20). We are metaphorically dead men walking. Whether we chose to realize it or not. Some of us attempt to engage in sinful desires consistently but these actions are only attempts to hold on to a life that we can no longer possibly live.

The Beauty of God

It is rare that I write or even speak about the beauty of God. The main reason being that I am often not experiencing it in my daily life. Yet there are times when I have experienced it and it is beautiful. It is a moment that is so precious that I wish it could could last forever. It is like the first time you meet that man or woman that you may or may not be in love with. The passion in your heart is so strong you feel like your going to explode. Of course these moments are dynamic. God does not so much change as does our perception and understanding of him. At least that's what I think. In Psalm 16:11 these words are stated "Thou wilt show me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand are pleasures for evermore". I Like this verse because it is stated in the affirmative. God is saying that he is going to show us the way of Life. There is no question about it. However, whether we choose to follow this path of life or not is up to us. Personally, I sometimes choose darkness over life. I often choose to isolate myself from others rather than be in community. I choose to believe the lies that were told to me when I was younger rather than the truth of God's word. I choose relationships with women that usually have the potential of going no where and end up being a painful experience for both of us. Yet, there are times when I choose life. There are times when I refuse the lies. There are times when I push and challenge myself. There are times when I choose community rather than isolation. When I choose to be a blessing to others instead of a stumbling block. Where I choose to encourage rather than look for encouragement. When I do these things the life of God infuses me and I often experience joy. I know this is not a formula for the joy of the Lord but it does point me to ward the path of life and breaks the heavy grip of self absorption which can choke us spiritually and potentially kill us physically.

Shadows

Today I went for an interview at a rehabilitation centre for men. I saw hues and shadows of my father throughout this establishment. The brokenness of these men was palpable and real. I hated it. The dislike came from several different places. I was reminded that the man who gave me life is now an alcoholic and transient at best. That being said, I have to remember that my earthly father can not alter the work that God has done in my life. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come ! " (2 Corinthians 5:17). Nevertheless, our past does affect us to a certain degree, but not to the point where we are defined by it. I find that I constantly need to remind myself that I am not my father. I am first and foremost a child of the Kings of Kings and Lord of Lords and need to cling to that reality.

Choice

My first blog. My first entry. I have been discussing the power of choice recently with those I have come into contact with. It is such a strange thing. Sometimes we want to deny that we even possess it and then blame God for the wrong choices that we actually make. If I'm honest sometimes I hate the power of choice. The reason being that I don't trust myself to make the right the decision. In fact, I would rather God make all my choices for me. But if that were the case I would probably hate him because he would have taken away all my freedom. In Joshua 24:15 there is a challenge given to Israel. Or maybe it was an admonition. Whatever it was, God speaking through Joshua told Israel to choose, either serve Ball or serve me. In this verse Joshua declares that he and his household will serve the Lord. A simple and yet profound statement. Whatever God is I believe that it is safe to say that he possesses emotions. There are countless accounts in the Old Testament as well as the New where God is angry and yet loving, compassionate and yet firm. This being the case, is it any wonder that God wants his people to serve him because they want to not due to the fact that they feel obligated or coerced in some way. Sometimes I feel like God restricts me and boxes me in but the truth is that he has given me complete freedom to serve him wholeheartedly or not. It's ironic, but true, that I am actually living out this scenario with a woman that I am seeing right now. Everything that is within me wants to be with her. However, I want her to desire me as much as I desire her. Nevertheless, I won't try to manipulate or somehow impress her so that she feels that same why I do. The main reason being that love does not attempt to control. Whatever the result will be God knows, but I think I have a greater understanding of my heavenly father's heart for his children. God loves us so much that he will never violate our free will. He wants us to be with him because we want to . Not because we fear him or feel obligated to be with him. What kind of relationship is that ?