Pure Love

Today began horribly. I was flooded with thoughts that cut into my mind like daggers. These thoughts left me with feelings of despair and sadness. I did what I usually do when this happens; I read the scriptures, pray, and call some friends. None of this really helped. What did help was beyond my comprehension. I went to an evening service at church. I met a little girl there and we played together for a while. Through this child I felt God loving me. It was a pure and unadulterated love. It was the closest thing I can relate to the love of Jesus. Children usually have a greater capacity to love because there hearts are not yet stained by the world. This is why Christ admonishes us to be like little children in order for us to enter the kingdom of God. Although this experience helped I was still rather melancholic. So I decided to go for a walk by the lake shore. As I walked I came across another girl and her mother. This little girl seemed to be fascinated by me and decided to chase after me. When I heard the little footsteps behind me I turned around and waved. As I did so the little girl waved back and smiled. Again, I felt Jesus loving me through this little girl. This second demonstration of God's love changed my mood completely. You who read this may make think me mad but I assure you I am not. I have come to recognize the love of Christ, and I know in whom it exists and in whom it doesn't. Unfortunately, those who genuinely exhibit the love of Christ are few and far between in my life. In fact, when I attempted to take my life five years ago I did so for exactly that reason, I felt completely unloved by everyone. Now, I know that is not true. I have a few people in my life that I know genuinely love me. They are not many, but they don't have to be, as long as they are genuine. Some people love me for my gifts, the way I speak, the way I look, who I know, etc.., but Christ loves me for who I am. Similar to those children today, Christ accepts me for who I am. I get so sick of the games and the masks, especially in church. Why is it so hard for us to love one another ? No answers today. Just questions. Musings. Thank you for your love God, it is rare that I emotionally experience it but today was an exception. Thank you.

Emotions

Lately, I have been struggling emotionally. In fact, I have been struggling with my emotions for as long as I can remember. A lot of it has to do with not wanting to accept who I am as an individual. I often want to experience life without any emotional upheaval at all. The main reason being that I am often a slave to how I feel at times and I hate it. I am far to sensitive and yet God will never change this aspect of my personality. What he does ask me to do is to give it over to him. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah. (Psalm 62:8). It is the release that God requires. Or should I say suggests. He knows that through my sharing with him these feelings things can only improve. That doesn't mean I will necessarily feel better but it is a process of liberation that will help me in the long run. Ultimately, spending time with Jesus Christ is the ultimate form of therapy. My mood actually stabilizes when I spend time with him, his people, and his word. It is a simple truth but it is real, he is my shelter from the storm of my emotions (Psalm 17:8). Without an intimate relationship with him I often look to people or things to ease the pain of my troubled heart. It doesn't work. Christ alone is that balm for my soul. In him alone resides the healing for the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61). It is only the maker of heaven and earth that can fix us. Thank God !

Obsession

This Sunday was a difficult one for me. I was made acutely aware of my obsession. God has a way of making things abundantly clear if we are willing to listen. I was listening this Sunday. I often feel like the man in the image above, chained and controlled by something outside of me. I really don't want to be like this. My desire to have a partner is a natural one but it has almost transcended my relationship with Jesus Christ, and I hate it. I never used to be like this. But somewhere along the way I have become sidetracked. I have lost my focus to a point. Nevertheless, I keep pushing. I keep believing that somehow, someway, something will change. After all, God does not point something out and then leave it to us to solve it by ourselves. I think I am in the process of dying, and it is through this dying I will come to know my Lord at a more intimate level. Yet, what he asks from me seems more than I can give. How can I surrender the possibility of having a woman in my life who will love me. Maybe God asks this from me because it is so dear to my heart. That's what he did with Abraham right ? He asked for what was most precious to him, Isaac. I am not sure, but I know that if I really want to live than I have to die (John. 11:25). It is such a strange battle in heart and mind at times. The war in my soul between having control and relinquishing that control unto God. The temptation to take matters into my own hands or surrender to the Lord's leading. One thing I know for sure, I don't want to be controlled by anything other than Jesus Christ.

The Black Dog

The "Black Dog", that's how Winston Churchill chose to describe his bouts of depression. Unless one experiences depression it is really difficult to have an understanding of what it truly entails. Some men that I can really relate to in the bible who struggled with this disease are Moses, Elijah, and Jonah. All of these men at one point or another in their life asked God to remove them from this world. Fortunately, God refused. More often than not the purposes of GOD often transcend our infirmities and circumstances. To be crucified with Christ has implications far beyond what we can truly imagine (Galatians 2:20). We are metaphorically dead men walking. Whether we chose to realize it or not. Some of us attempt to engage in sinful desires consistently but these actions are only attempts to hold on to a life that we can no longer possibly live.